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After The Wedding
A simple operating system for marriage—habits, money, boundaries, and love that lasts.
Vows are a beginning—now you need rhythms. This book turns love into a weekly system: clean repairs, fair money, clear roles, and time for friendship and desire. Short chapters, practical checklists, results you can feel.
How to use this page: pick a chapter, try the “Moves” for 7 days, then stack the next one. Small wins grow trust.
Chapters
01. Marriage Operating System
Your relationship runs on habits. Define a simple OS: how you communicate, decide, repair, and plan time/money. Document it; update monthly.
Moves
• Write a 1-page “We Run On”: comms rules, repair steps, decision process.
• Set weekly calendar blocks: check-in, money, fun, chores.
• Pick a shared notes app to track promises.
Systems protect love when feelings wobble.
02. Money Rules & Shared Budget
Clarity ends many fights. Agree on accounts, allowances, buffers, and big-purchase approvals. Make money boring.
Moves
• Map fixed bills; automate them.
• Personal “no questions” spending amounts.
• 24-hour pause for buys > $200 (pick your line).
• Monthly money date: review, adjust, celebrate.
Fair, simple rules = calmer home.
03. Roles, Chores & Teamwork
Ownership beats reminders. Divide recurring chores by preference/skill, rotate the annoying ones, and post the plan where you see it.
Moves
• “Captain” each domain (meals, laundry, cars, bills).
• 15-minute daily reset together.
• Swap roles monthly to stay fair.
Clear ownership = fewer resentments.
04. Intimacy: Desire & Safety
Desire needs safety and novelty. Build both: explicit consent culture, generous affection, scheduled intimacy that still feels playful.
Moves
• “Green/Yellow/Red” boundaries convo.
• Non-sexual affection daily (6-second kiss, 20-second hug).
• Two “date templates”; rotate weekly.
Safety + play = sustainable desire.
05. In-Laws & Extended Family
Honor families without letting them run your home. Agree on visit frequency, holidays, and what topics are off-limits.
Moves
• Unified script: “We’ve decided…”.
• Holiday map (odd/even year swaps).
• Exit cues for boundary breaches.
Respect + boundaries keep peace.
06. Fight Clean, Repair Fast
Conflict is normal; contempt is optional. Use calm-down breaks, “I” statements, and a specific repair script.
Moves
• Time-out phrase + timer (20–30 min).
• 3-part repair: name impact → own your part → propose a fix.
• Ban the four horsemen: contempt, defensiveness, blame, stonewalling.
Repair is the most important skill.
07. Weekly Check-in Ritual
Fifteen minutes that save your week. Review calendar, money, chores, and feelings; end with one appreciation each.
Moves
• Same time, same place weekly.
• Agenda: wins → logistics → issues → appreciation → fun plan.
• Capture promises in notes app.
Small, steady check-ins prevent big blowups.
08. Time, Fun & Friendship
Don’t let logistics eat your friendship. Schedule micro-fun, protect alone time, and keep friend groups that support your marriage.
Moves
• Two 30-minute “tiny dates” weekly.
• Solo time for each partner.
• Monthly double-date or friends dinner.
Fun is maintenance, not a luxury.
09. Kids: Readiness & Alignment
Kids change everything. Align on timing, roles, discipline style, and work expectations before you’re exhausted.
Moves
• Talk sleep, childcare, money impact, career plans.
• Parenting principles you both endorse.
• “If X happens, we will Y” scenarios.
Alignment first, decisions second.
10. Values, Faith & Traditions
Shared meaning binds you. Choose core values, how you practice them, and traditions that make your home feel like yours.
Moves
• Pick 3 core values; define behaviors.
• Weekly ritual (meal, walk, service, prayer—your style).
• Design holidays you both enjoy.
Practice values, don’t just state them.
11. When Trust Breaks: Repair
Breaches need process: truth, transparency, boundaries, and time. Decide what repair looks like and how you’ll measure progress.
Moves
• Full story → no trickle truth.
• Concrete guardrails (devices, locations, schedules).
• Outside help if needed; set review dates.
Repair is a plan with metrics, not a promise.
12. Annual Reset & Future Plan
Once a year, step back: review money, health, home, travel, family, and dreams. Keep what works; change what doesn’t.
Moves
• 2-hour yearly retreat with questions.
• Set 3 goals as a team; calendar the first steps.
• Pick a theme for the year (“Build,” “Adventure,” “Simplify”).
Review + adjust = marriage that grows with you.